2.20.00 - 17:05:05
It looks like the book group will become a reality--it's Hula's baby, really. I'm excited about it, though nervous at the thought of having all those smart people in my home. I'm sure to be exposed for the fraud I really am. You see, this isn't some Oprah book group. We're discussing and analyzing Greek dramatists exclusively--Sophocles, Aeschylus and Euripides with a little Aristophanes thrown in to liven things up.
I'm actually going to have to read this stuff and form original thoughts about it. I'm going to have to express these thoughts in front of smart people who know what they're talking about. I'm not sure I can I bluff my way out of this one. It's no five minute water-cooler contest.
I'm also not sure what I'm more nervous about, being a bad participant or being a bad hostess. We rarely have people over and I never know what to do in those sorts of situations. Oh, I imagine all the blunders I'll make and the fool I'll be perceived as. Will I have the correct snacks and beverages? Will I inadvertently insult someone? Maybe THIS time I'll barf for real. Maybe THIS time, I say NIGGER NIGGER SHIT FUCK PISS out loud at an inopportune moment. Maybe THIS time I'll hit the person sitting next to me in the head with my book.
It's not that I like being antisocial. It's just easier that way. No work, no worry.
I never used to be like this. When I lived in Connecticut, I WANTED to have the home everyone came to. I WANTED to be the hostess with the mostess. I threw great parties. Parties people didn't want to leave from. Parties that lasted all weekend long. Granted, they were drunken parties you can't really get away with in you thirties, but at least I was SOCIALIZING. And it NEVER occurred to me then that I might swear for no reason or hurl things at people.
This is probably why I've become so fascinated with this on-line journal and web cam stuff. You all visit me at my convenience. When I grow tired . . . * click * . . . you all go away. If I say NIGGER NIGGER SHIT FUCK PISS, you can't hear me. And if I type it, I can delete it later. What I really need is a backspace key for my life.
And no, I don't have Tourrettes. I simply fear saying or doing something terribly inappropriate and I only developed this bizarre malady when I moved away from my family and friends four or so years ago.
Of course, I'm not like this all the time. Only when a new situation arises. And I'm pretty good at never hitting anyone or shouting curses; great at it actually, considering I've never done it. So what am I afraid of?
Anyway, I'm miserable depressed tonight. I fought with Hula, I have this hideous cough that hurts and won't go away (leaving me sure it's lung cancer), and I'm scared of the book group and scared of applying to grad school. Who am I trying to kid? U of C doesn't want the likes of me and even if by some oversight in their admissions department I DO get in, how am I going to pull it off? I can barely take care of myself now. How will I manage all this and school too?
Oh man. Have you had enough of my whining? I sure have. But it didn't make me feel better. I just had to let you know that.
