2.21.00 - 18:44:14
Want to hear something gross? I found blood in my stool today. (Are you thinking, "Isn't that an odd turn of phrase?" Well, too bad. It's better than saying I was bleeding out my asshole.)
Anyway, I found lots of it. I’d been sick for awhile, heck for two years I’ve had on and off stomach trouble. But it’s been bad as of late. Lots of trips to the bathroom for crampy hot messy, well, you don’t need those kinds of details. The Prilosec I’ve been taking since Thanksgiving helped the nausea, but it’s slowly creeping back. I’ve forgotten how unpleasant the urge to barf is.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It looked so wrong. I called the nurse at my doctor’s office and I go in the day after tomorrow. They’ll check me out and schedule me for a battery of most unpleasant tests that, no doubt, entail putting foreign objects in my bottom.
I’m scared. My aunt was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and her symptoms were similar to mine, though much worse. Plus, she’s in her sixties. You’d expect colon cancer to strike someone in their sixties, not someone in their thirties. Right?
Considering how frequently I have panic attacks over the most trivial of physical symptoms, I’ve been handling the fear pretty well. When I felt myself spiral out of control today, I stopped what I was doing, went to a quiet place and took deep breaths, telling myself that right now, there’s nothing I can do about it. Right now, I don’t know if anything serious is wrong. Right now, I’m not dying, just experiencing some unpleasant symptoms. So far, it’s worked. I’m pretty sure this technique will get me through tomorrow and into Wednesday when I go for the initial tests. It has to. There’s nothing else I can do.
