2.25.00 - 23:32:32
Someone made a mistake at the doctor's office. When I went in on Wednesday, they said my appointment wasn't until Friday. I was annoyed, but between their lack of urgency to see me and what I've heard from others, I wasn't too stressed out about Cancer with a capital C anymore, so the delay wasn't too big a deal.
My insides still feel like mush though, and after today, they aren't sure what's causing it. It might be ulcerative colitis and it might be Crohn's disease. It might be the hollandaise I made three weeks ago. Either way, since I couldn't "produce" for my doctor and her ever so attractive med student while I was there, I have to deliver a little package to them on Monday so they can determine if it is, in fact, some sort of bacteria.
Now, I've spent the better part of two weeks nearly soiling myself eight times a day and making sure I'm no more than 30 seconds from a bathroom and when someone ELSE wants me to drop a load, I'm suddenly all dried up? What kind of twisted universe am I living in?
Pooplessness aside, I did get to experience the RECTAL EXAM. This is surely a godless world we live in. As I lay there, hind end bared to the ever so attractive med student, I couldn't help but wonder why anyone would consider putting something in their butt to be erotic. Let me assure you, it's an extremely unpleasant sensation, especially when administered by someone who looks about 21 and who is ten times as attractive as you are. Suddenly, your rear end feels large and flabby and like something that should appear in a medical journal listed under, "ABNORMALLY LARGE FLABBY FAT ASS". Then there is, of course, the pressure, the grittiness, the "omigod NOW I've gotta go" feeling of it all.
Embarrassing? Humiliating? Degrading? You betcha.
So it comes down to this. Either they find salmonella or some other noxious bacteria in the present I'm delivering on Monday, or I get to have colonoscopy. Gee. I sure can't wait for them to shove a fat tube up my nether regions and poke around a bit. I hear they let you watch the insides of your intestines on a monitor. I can only hope that George Clooney will be performing the test. If I'm real lucky, I'll gain ten pounds before they examine my anus!
Finally, I have to figure out just how I'm going to make the present I have to deliver on Monday. They gave me a pretty little paper bag with handles that looks like I was shopping at Tiffany's to put it in. They also gave me one rubber glove, one wetnap, one ziploc baggie with a big medical symbol on it and one tiny little screw-cap cup. How on earth does one poop into a tiny little screw-cap cup? If you have attempted this or know of a "tips and tricks" faq on the net for pooping into three inch area, please e-mail me ASAP.
That's all for today kids, stay tuned for new entries such as "Enemy Number One: Number Two", and "Explosive Diarrhea: Aim Good, Small Cup".
