2.9.00 - 22:01:34
In the name of JESUS, I'm HOONGRY!
This litany is repeated over and over and over again by a guy who previously stood farther down on Madison--I used to run into him only occasionally. Hungry Jesus Man must have found it more lucrative to claim territory right in front of Union Station and now I see him every day. I'm never sure whether he's pleading with the Lord to feed him or if he's invoking Christ's name as a command for us to do something about his situation. He never asks, he only tells.
"Lord, I'm HOOONGRY! I'm HOOONGRY, Lord! In the name of JESUS, I'm HOONGRY!"
I'm pretty sure he's cleaning up--especially now with his new location. This is actually a shame as he has a powerful voice and is a far more colorful character than the guy who sits on the bridge looking pitiful while holding a dirty Styrofoam cup between his knees. Now, all the passengers getting off the train see Hungry Jesus Man first. I suspect Pitiful Dirty Cup Man has seen a drop in revenue.
It just doesn't seem very neighborly, does it? I used to sort of like Hungry Jesus Man, but now I'm kind of mad at him.
Come to think of it, I really haven't seen any sort of comraderie amongst the panhandlers in Chicago, or anywhere else I've lived. You'd think they'd try to help each other out. After all, they're peers of a sort. If there are there Mentor/Protégé relationships between beggars, I've never witnessed it.
Pinch Rates the Homeless of Chicago and New Orleans:
(Whoever gets the highest sum of money out of me wins)
Hungry Jesus Man
He got a handful of nickels the day I forgot my train pass and had to scrounge through my purse for change to pay the fair, then I snuck passed the conductor without paying. It was blood money, really.
Total: $1.95
Pitiful Dirty Cup Man
He gets a dollar every time it rains or is particularly cold. I admire his commitment to never leave this location. (Note that the number is low because I don't always cross on his side of the bridge.)
Total: Approx. $15.00
Legless Man
I've seen him around the Loop a lot, but his cup is always full! Panhandlers should empty their cups frequently, especially when they contain green. This guy has missed out on some serious bucks.
Total $2.00
Can I Get The Door For You Man #1
This guy doesn't look insane, is healthy and I suspect that any money I give to him goes for booze or drugs. He's outside that McDonalds on the corner of Wells and Monroe only during the warm months. Wussy. I bought him a cheeseburger once.
Total: $1.07
Can I Get The Door For You Man #2
This guy was nice and polite. He never ever asked for anything, only held open the door in one of the tunnels underneath the Loop. He was a presentable, clean, older gentleman who was very gracious when given a "tip". For a homeless man, he was a charmer, and my bank account is lucky I only went that way once a week. I should add that just before Christmas last year, I wanted to blow his mind and give him a card with a twenty in it, but was surprised to find him gone that day. He's never come back.
Total: Approx. $20.00
I'm Bitter And You Owe Me Something Man
This guy yells at you if you don't buy his Street Wise paper. He stands in front of the Walgreen's at Wells and Madison saying things like, "Come ON! I gotta EAT!" to those who ignore him. Once, as I walked briskly past him (everyone walks briskly past him), I mumbled, "Sorry, I don't have anything today." And he snarled and hollered after me, "Don't be sorry! I gots ta EAT!" This is the only time I've ever shouted at the destitute. I was enraged. I turned around and yelled, "NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE!" The streets were crowded and I got a lot of laughs. Seems everyone was sick of that guy. I was afraid he was going to run up behind me and hit me in the back of the head. I try not to go to Walgreen's now.
Total $0.00
Paper Eating Woman
I found this woman outside of our apartment on Dumaine in New Orleans every now and then. She looked normal enough and she carried a newspaper with her. At first sight, you'd think, 'Oh, there's a lady with a newspaper', until you realized she's slowly tearing off strips of the paper and eating them. She never asked me for anything, but she engaged Hula in a lengthy conversation outside the ATM once.
Total $0.00
I Wear All My Clothes All The Time Woman
This woman can be found in various parts of the French Quarter, hunkered down by the ground wearing layer upon layer of clothes, all year round. This is astounding when you consider how hot it gets down there in the summer months. I was very poor there and never gave her anything, except once. I offered her my leftovers from a restaurant we had just gone to. She seemed highly insulted, but took them nonetheless.
Total: Approx. $5.00
Black Eye and Split Lip Woman
I only saw her once and she had two small children in tow. She didn't ask me for money. First she wanted to know where the nearest woman's shelter was and when I didn't know, she wanted to come into my apartment to use the bathroom. I wanted to help, but I didn't want her in my home. The only thing I had in my wallet was a twenty and I handed it to her. She stammered as her eyes welled up with tears. She told me she didn't mean for me to give her money, but I could tell she needed it. I sent her around the corner to a church where I thought someone might be able to find a place for her and her kids.
Total: $20.00
Freezer Girl
This chick sat out by the paper boxes near Sears Tower one winter. She held a wordy sign explaining her situation and that she was hungry. Over the course of several months, I got her a few coffees and a few donuts and a few milks--only because she was so harassed by the business suit crowd. They were unrelenting.
Total: Approx. $12.00
War Veteran Man
This old coot hung around Bourbon Street on weekend evenings. He had a million stories to tell and I bought him more than a few beers while I lived there. The last time I saw him, he wanted me go over to Esplanade with him so he could "show me something." Big mistake. He never got another beer out of me after that.
Total: 7 Large "Beers To Go" $15.50
I'm Washing Your Windows Whether You Like It Or Not Man
This is actually about six or seven different men who at one time or another, during my stay in both cities, wanted to wash the windows of my car while I was stopped at red lights. I hate these guys and they never take no for an answer (unless you yell and use vulgar language).
Total: $0.00
I Need Insulin For The Baby Man
This is also one of many who have approached me with some story about a sick kid. They're pretty good. Usually, they tell you the exact amount they need and that they are only a short ways away from the sum that will surely save their child's life. They rush you along as though they don't have any time to spare. I KNOW they're lying to me, but I always give 'em a little something if I have it . . . just in case.
Total: Approx. $17.00
I left out some good ones, but I don't believe they are really homeless. I've been scammed on trains by people claiming to have been robbed of everything and all they need is the price of a ticket home and I've been guilt-tripped by people who hand out flyers and then explain that this is their living. I've given money to religious nuts and to environmental nuts. I've supported the blind, the deaf, the dumb, the Salvation Army and the drunk Santa at State and Lake. Musicians who play in the Red Line stations and kids who do hambone for me all get their share.
Unlike government agencies and financial aid offices, there is no paperwork nor are there lengthy delays when you see me on the city streets. I don't have time to evaluate true neediness or make an informed decision. You pretty much have 15 to 20 seconds to state your case. Do it convincingly, and you'll get something. Waste my time, and I walk on by.
