5.12.00 - 01:18:54
Here's a fun game to play! Every time you read the word umbrella in the following entry, take a drink!
The weather here has been obnoxious as of late. Heat coupled with extreme oppressive humidity followed by intense storms bringing the blessed relief of cool dry air. The cycle's been repeating every week or so. As a result, the entire population of Chicago has taken to carrying umbrellas to work.
Now as a rule, I have no problem with umbrellas. How could anyone not appreciate the clever design? Not admire the gentle curvature of its circumference? Not thrill at the power of the automatic, snapping open at your command with the click of a button? Not value the compact design of the purse model?
Umbrellas are a wonderful thing. I marvel at them, really. My fondness for my first bubble umbrella is only rivaled by the fondness a certain semi-fictional newspaper man had for his sled. I especially enjoy them while it's raining on a busy city street. People are closely crammed together, hurrying along under one solid mass of umbrella; a single moving shelter that can stretch half a block. The choreography of it is a sight to behold.
My issue is not with the umbrella at attention. These glorious tools, intended to keep us dry while offering a bevy of designs to choose from, allowing corporate types a small measure of individuality and personal freedom are functional, and if you wish them to be, fun.
My issue lies with the umbrella at ease. Unless you carry the collapsible kind you can tuck into a briefcase or dangle from a strap at your wrist , they become weapons.
Aware of the danger, most people are careful. Most people keep that pointed end to their feet or slight in front of them.
Some, however, don't stop to consider that the umbrella carried in their fist, point end back, walking briskly, arms moving vigorously, is actually jabbing the person behind them with every step. On a busy street, every thigh, hip, groin and depending on your height, chest and breast is at risk of a sharp painful poke by these thoughtless cretins.
I'm pretty sure there's no way I can mobilize the city of Chicago to action on this very serious and potentially injuring offense. Already inundated with pleas to the common citizen regarding littering, loud cell phone talking, chewing gum disposal and spitting, I can't see an umbrella carrying etiquette campaign getting any farther than Mayor Daley's lobby.
So, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. Each Umbrella Jabber I encounter will have to deal with me. I don't intend to speak to them, mind you, I'm far too passive aggressive for that tactic. I will carry my own weapon, and upon each sighting, when I notice that curious hole in the crowd indicating an Umbrella Jabber ahead, I shall maneuver myself in front of them. Then, umbrella in fist, I shall commence with an exaggerated display of Umbrella Jabbing the likes of which they have never seen, designed to first frighten, then alert the offender to their own foolishly threatening behavior.
I will make the streets of Chicago a safer place. I promise you that.
